給在異鄉當上母親的你們 Dear Immigrant Mothers in a Foreign Land

This piece is written in Chinese because I wanted to express something very personal — the emotional experience of being an immigrant mother — in the language that feels most natural to me. An English translation is provided at the end for non-Chinese readers.

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我還記得剛當媽媽的那幾年。

一個人在家帶著寶寶，常常覺得無助，也覺得不安。

有時候，看著孩子因為異位性皮膚炎而滿身傷口，我會害怕。

害怕我們的日子會不會就這樣，一次又一次地上藥、擦乳液，在孤單裡撐下去。

後來，好不容易回到工作崗位，我卻常常在督導面前落淚。

孩子的過敏體質讓我放不下心，

也不知道該怎麼重新走回外面的世界，

重新找回自己在家庭以外的位置。

那是一種被困住的感覺，日子好像不知道要往哪裡走。

我一直記得那段時間的寂寞和恐懼。

在一個不是自己長大的地方，肩上突然多了一個新生命的重量。

過去對「未知」的好奇，突然變成對風險的害怕。

就像以前的我總是敢衝向遊樂園裡最高最快的雲霄飛車，

但有了孩子之後，帶著他一起坐那些設施時，我心裡想的都是「他會不會受傷」。

在生活和諮商工作裡，我遇到很多和我有相似經驗的母親。

她們的故事，常常和我很像：

沒有人能在身邊幫忙，只能自己面對生命突然的改變；

一邊學著當母親，一邊重新調整和伴侶的關係；

摸索陌生的醫療與教育系統；

在原生文化和新文化之間找一個屬於自己的位置，也希望能把這些經驗好好傳給孩子。

那些在成為母親以前可能只是「新的挑戰」，

在有了孩子之後，都變成可能需要防備的「未知」。

除此之外，我們這些移民母親，還要一邊適應語言，一邊調整文化。

孩子生病時，我常常擔心自己能不能清楚表達問題，

也擔心會不會聽不懂醫護人員的專業用語。

在教養上，我們也得在兩種文化之間找到自己的步調：

哪些原生文化的價值想留給孩子？

哪些需要調整，讓他們能在新的文化裡也自在生活？

教育系統、學校的期待、教養方式的差異，

這些都需要重新學習，也重新定位自己。

而職涯的不確定，又是另一種壓力。

除了因為有了孩子，時間和體力被重新分配，

不同的工作文化、不同的能力要求，也讓我們在思考是否回到職場時多了許多猶豫。

不是不想，而是在陌生的系統裡，

我們暫時失去了判斷自己能力的依據。

孤單，大概是我們最容易共鳴的感受。

我曾經有一位也是移民母親的個案，在諮商室裡痛哭。

她問我：「妳當初是怎麼走出來的？」

我想了一下，回答她：「時間，還有陪伴。」

老實說，我也不確定自己是不是已經「走出來」了。

只是時間讓事情慢慢變得比較好，

而他人的陪伴，讓那些不安和困惑比較能被承受。

對我來說，最大的支持是一群來自相同文化背景的媽媽朋友。

孩子生病不能出門時，有人會特地來看我；

有人會鼓勵我把家務放一放，先出去透透氣；

有人願意一起分享醫療與教育資訊，聊煩惱、互相鼓勵。

因為我們共享相似的文化，她們能更理解我的感受；

她們的經驗，對我來說也更有參考性。

研究也提到，來自相同移民社群的支持能減輕移民母親的孤獨感（Perrenoud et al., 2024；Tummala-Narra & Claudius, 2022）。

當然，這也不能解決所有的問題。

孤單本來就不是單一來源的。

媽媽朋友能提供情緒與育兒的支持，

但每個母親仍然有自己的課題：

職涯、身份、甚至重新理解自己的價值。

另一個支撐我度過那段時間的力量，是我的諮商督導。

督導的主要功能本來是支持我的諮商工作、確保專業與倫理，

但在我最混亂、最痛苦的時期，

她給了我一個能放心哭、放心傾訴的空間。

那些無法跟丈夫或朋友說的焦慮與疲憊，

在那個安全的環境裡，終於有了地方可以放下。

她沒有給我答案，只是陪著。

但那份陪伴，就是力量。

很多時候，只要把煩惱說出口，

不安的情緒就會鬆一點。

原本覺得承受不了的恐懼，說出來之後，也變得沒那麼可怕。

因為有媽媽朋友和督導的陪伴，

我才能帶著一點希望去忍受那些不安，讓時間慢慢發揮它的作用。

前陣子朋友提到，他認識的一位移民母親也正在經歷類似的不安。

他說，他很想對她說：「沒事的，一切都會好起來。」

我想，是的——會慢慢好起來的。

我記得孩子還小、未來看起來一片黑暗的時候，

丈夫也曾對我說過同樣的話。

那時候的我完全無法相信，甚至覺得那是空話。

但現在回頭看，我知道他是對的。

所以我也想把這句話送給正在經歷相似掙扎的移民母親：

一切都會好起來。

孩子會長大，會變得更有力量、更獨立；

而妳，也會慢慢找回自己的節奏與空間。

也許現在妳還是會懷疑，

但請記得——

妳不孤單。

在世界各地，有許多和妳一樣的母親，

正走在非常相似的路上。

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I still remember those early years of becoming a mother.

Being alone at home with a baby, often feeling helpless and uncertain.

Sometimes, when I looked at my child’s skin covered in wounds from eczema, I felt afraid.

Afraid that our days would continue like this, repeating the cycle of ointments and lotions, getting through everything in loneliness.

Later, when I finally returned to work, I often found myself in tears during supervision.

My child’s allergies left me worried all the time.

And I didn’t know how to step back into the outside world,

how to rediscover who I was beyond the role of being a mother.

It felt like being stuck.

As if life didn’t know where it was heading.

I still remember the loneliness and fear of that time.

To be in a place that wasn’t where I grew up, suddenly carrying the responsibility of a new life.

The things I used to enjoy, the sense of adventure in the unknown, no longer felt exciting.

Instead, I found myself constantly worrying about whether I could protect my child through whatever storms might come.

In my own life and in my counselling work, I’ve met many mothers whose experiences were similar to mine.

Their stories often echoed my own: no family nearby, facing major life changes alone.

Learning how to become a mother while adjusting a relationship with a partner;

navigating unfamiliar healthcare and education systems;

trying to find a balance between two cultures and hoping to pass something meaningful on to our children.

These challenges might have felt manageable before becoming mothers,

but after having a child, they suddenly became possible threats.

On top of that, we immigrant mothers also have to navigate language and cultural adjustment at the same time.

When my child was sick, I often worried about whether I was able to clearly explain what was happening,

and whether I would fully understand the medical terms being used.

In parenting, we also have to find our own position between two cultures:

How do we keep what is important from our original culture?

And how do we help our children feel at ease in the culture they are growing up in?

Different education systems, expectations from schools, differences in parenting values—

all of these require learning from the beginning.

And then there is the uncertainty around career.

After having a child, our time and energy change.

But beyond that, the unfamiliar work culture and different expectations in a new country

make the decision of returning to work so much more complicated.

It’s not that we don’t want to.

It’s that, in an unfamiliar system, we lose our sense of how to evaluate our own abilities.

Loneliness is something many of us share.

I once had a client, also an immigrant mother, who cried deeply in the counselling room.

She asked me, “How did you get through it?”

I thought for a moment and said, “Time, and companionship.”

To be honest, I’m not sure if I’ve completely ‘gotten through’ it even now.

But time helped things become a little better,

and the presence of others made the uncertainty feel more bearable.

For me, one of my biggest supports was a group of mom friends who shared a similar cultural background.

Friends who visited when my child was too unwell to go out;

friends who encouraged me to leave the house and breathe;

friends who shared medical and school information, who listened, who encouraged.

Because we came from the same culture, they could understand my feelings more fully.

Their experiences made sense to me in a way others might not.

Research also shows that support from one’s own immigrant community can reduce the sense of loneliness

(Perrenoud et al., 2024; Tummala-Narra & Claudius, 2022).

Of course, this doesn’t solve everything.

Loneliness is complex.

Mom friends can provide emotional and parenting support,

but each mother still carries her own challenges:

career, identity, and rethinking her own sense of worth.

Another source of support for me was my clinical supervisor.

Supervision is meant to support my therapeutic work and ensure ethical practice,

but during my most confusing and painful period,

it became a space where I could cry and speak openly.

The worries I couldn’t share with my husband or friends

finally had a place to rest.

She didn’t give me answers.

She simply stayed with me.

And that presence itself was strength.

Often, when I said my worries out loud, the emotions loosened.

Things that once felt unbearable became less frightening after they were spoken.

Because of the companionship of my mom friends and my supervisor,

I could hold on to a bit of hope,

endure the uncertainty,

and allow time to do its quiet work.

A while ago, a friend mentioned another immigrant mother going through something similar.

He said he wished he could tell her,

“It’s okay. Things will get better.”

And I think yes, they will—slowly.

I remember my husband saying the same thing to me when my child was little and everything felt dark.

Back then, I couldn’t believe him at all.

But looking back now, I know he was right.

So I want to offer the same words to every immigrant mother who is struggling right now:

Things will get better.

Your child will grow, become stronger and more independent.

And you will slowly find your own rhythm and space again.

You may still have doubts, but please remember this:

you are not alone.

All around the world, there are many mothers just like you,

walking a very similar path.

References

Perrenoud, P., Demolis, R., Ferec, E., Galvez Broux, M., Perret, F., Chautems, C., & Kaech, C. (2024). Reconstructing a niche sociality during the postpartum period: A qualitative study about the experience of becoming a mother as an immigrant in Switzerland. SSM – Mental Health, 5, 100303. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ssmmh.2024.100303

Tummala-Narra, P., & Claudius, M. (2022). Immigrant mothers. In M. Moro & G. Welsh (Eds.), Parenthood and immigration in psychoanalysis: Shaping the therapeutic setting (pp. 78–96). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781003174684